21. května 2017 v 1:22 | M* |  *Step by step, day by day*
What do you know about introverts? You would probably see them like those boring people standing in the corner at the party pretending like they are not there or that they are there just by an accident. Maybe they just got lost in between the grocery shop and their house. You could see them like people to whom you can say all those shits which other people do not care about, because you can finally talk and talk without anyone jumping into your speech. Or maybe you know nothing, because you only like to spend time with those popular ones, that's also an option.

In the case you know something, you have met some introverts before, you would know, they have a different world. They use their imagination more then other people. On everything. They can built sand houses in the nord pole. They imagine everything. They dont speak a lot, they think and imagine. Maybe because of it you think they are - different (at least you said it) and when I think about it, I had many relationships just based on this - you are so different. When you think back, I asked you durring our first or second bed session - Why are you with me? What do you like on me? You could choose any girl, why you are with me? You said - you are so different. To be honest, I would rather be anything else, than different. The reason why is, cause I already knew how it will end.

Another thing about introverts is, that they need more time for everything. I can rewrite one stupid essay ten times, cause I always imagine, that I could do it in same other way. I will imagine every situation which can be caused by something what even cannot happen. And for that I need time. It's so stupid, I know, I am fighting with it my whole life. If you remember, I told you at the beginning that I need time. I needed time to kiss you without drinking before, I needed time to be in my bed with you without drinking before. Yes, and after it, I felt like I didnt want it to let it happen, cause when I admit somebody to come closer to me, I want to remember it. I would needed more time to hold your hand in public, kiss you in public. You dont even know how hard this for me is, you cant even imagine. I was sad, you could not help with it, when for you it is easy.

You wrote me, that if I actually came to the people and talk with them, I could ended with more friends - or something like that. (I dont want to read again what you wrote, cause it fucking hurts.) And you know what? I tried. I tried at the beginning so hard. I came out of my comfort zone so many times. The thing which I have learnt is that I dont need and I dont want this. I dont need to know everybody, I dont need to talk with everybody, even If I really wanted. The reason why is simple. They talk. And you listen. They are quite happy that they found somebody to whom they can talk. And they start to not to talk about just bullshits but real problems because you are empathic and caring. You care a lot. About everybody. And this was what really started to killing me. I had this feeling from march to april. I felt so lost, because I did want to help them. All of them. But you end up to dealing with your friend's small brother cancer, about suicides, about cheating husbands, maybe pregnant friend, break -ups, why I cannot have a girlfriend? and many more. I am not saying that other people are not dealing with it, but as I said - I imagine. And I always imagine the worst. And I am so fucking caring that I am living it like it was me. But the thing is, that you know so much about them, but they still know nothing about you. But it still ok. Or it was ok, until I felt so fucking lost. It was from every side. Everybody needed some opinion, everybody wanted help, advice, and I felt like everybody thought like I have some superpower and I have a good solution for everything - that's also a reason why I spent so many time on my phone, I felt I have to still save somebody, all the time. Here or back home. And the only question in my head was - Who will save me? You need to save. Sometimes, everybody does.

I feel like the popular people are the most alone. They know so many people, but nobody properly. And nobody properly cares about them. They care just partly. You said something like that when we were watching the 13 reasons why episode, when the boy (shit I dont remmember names, but you know the popular one) was sad about that Hannah didnt pay attention to him. You said something like nobody cares about the popular ones. Maybe I got it wrong, like half of the things you said, but I just have the feeling. And actually I think, that you liked the time which we spent together because I was actually listening to you. I cared. I wanted to help you. Maybe. Maybe not. It's still a mistery for me.

I dont even know, why we let it go so far. I think I said to you something like - just dont fall in love with me (and I know you keep it) I believe I did it. I am doing that everytime. I remember, I was complaining to you in the studio, why every friend ends up wanted to have something with me. I think more and more that a normal friendship between girl and boy just cannot exist. What I want to say - I did not accused you of just using me. You got it wrong. I hope you will get to this part in this stupid article. I want you to know it. I wouldnt do anything what I wouldnt want. I appriciate you didnt push me to anything. You were patient. You were amazing. I confess, it was exaggerated, I should write it less affected. I shouldnt write it at all. But it does not change that I felt like I was not worth it to you to even stop by. Have you read the Small Prince? The french fairytale? There is the thing with a rose. "For the time you devoted to the rose, is your rose so important. People forgot about this truth, but you cannot. You become always responsible for what you bound to yourself." And you know you bound me.

I told you I love you even you didnt wanted to hear it. I told you I would rather spend time with you then go to the trip. To be honest, I already felt like it goes to the hell after you said me only - you can say sometimes something nice. I dont say it often (almost never, you were the second one, haha)- but you didnt say me anything nice. I know, that it had no future, so it was unimportant. But anyway, you could stop it, you could stop it when I tried to fix it. We didnt have to fix it. You could stop it. But anyway, its all my fault. I started to feel something. And that's always the problem.

I believed you will come to say goodbye. I believed that you will find the time. Because you promised. You would if you really wanted. You would even come if I texted you some bullshit. If you cared. You would want to know, what happened. You would killed your ego for once. That was the test if you cared. You dont. But anyway, I hate this theatres. So whatever. Actually I came to the bus station when you sent the message. I was waiting there. I felt so stupid, when your friends were there and nobody understood why I am there. Crying. Like what would you do, if was there? Told me hi for the first time maybe.

Thank you for making Volda the place I will never forget. And also thank you for making Volda the place I want to leave immidiately now.

You were my Clay.


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